Career Day

So as to obtain all the requirements for my physical exam on Monday, my destination for this afternoon was a modest hospital near our town. I went with my dad who works there as a clinician (clinician = 20% off on the services! hehe). When we arrived, he asked someone to accompany me in going to the different departments – Radiology, Laboratory, Pediatrics – so that he can stay in his office and do follow-ups. Luckily I was able to bear all the examinations without shedding a tear (I was told before that the PPD exam, which involves an intradermal shot, can be quite painful.=/), but I still could not endure looking at the needle as it penetrates my skin, more so at the blood as it leaves my body. :( I know that I should stop closing my eyes like a little girl and actually start staring intently to see how they do it but I guess it does take time to be at ease with things like that (for me, at least).

Afterwards, I met up with my dad and accompanied him in his last lookover for the day. We entered a patient’s room and there I saw a lady, looking exceedingly slender. Her neck and back are swollen and her breasts are uneven. I gathered during the visit that she has breast cancer and a number of cysts in her neck. Her lungs are filled with water produced by the cancer cells so she finds it awfully hard to breathe. Earlier, my dad performed an operation wherein he removed 1L of water using a needle, but xray results showed that there was no change in the amount of water in the lungs. My dad therefore suggested that a tube be temporarily attached to the lungs so that there’ll be a continuous water expulsion. The husband of the lady responded with a pag-uusapan ho muna namin, salamat po and then we left.

Right after the door was closed behind me did I start asking questions: Bakit hindi mo tanggalin yung tumor, bakit hindi mo tanggalin yung cysts, bakit kailangan pa nilang pag-isipan yung tube placement kung yun lang ang paraan para guminhawa siya..? Only after my dad said, wala na silang pera e, did things start to make complete sense. I realized there was very little hope left for the lady: as long as the tumor is there, the fluid would not stop blocking the airways, and if they could not afford even the temporary remedy, the tumor stays where it is. It was quite shattering; I remained quiet as we were leaving the hospital. I guess my dad heard through the silence because he blurted out, You’ll be facing more devastating cases anak, you have to learn to separate yourself from your emotions, especially when you are facing the patient.

What the hell, I thought. Earlier I realized that I have to be at ease with hurting, now I have to learn to be insensitive. Splendid.

But then again, (This is my favourite beginning of a sentence. Starting off a statement with it means opening up the good side of things. ;) ) deep inside, I know that there is more to just the puncture or the indifference - the pricking aids in the furtherance of a person’s health, and the apathy is actually a way of giving hope to a patient. It amazed me to think that my dad’s being completely clear of emotions during the visit sort of made the case typical, kind of like saying This is the disease, this is the cure, be strong, you will get through this.

The exams, the hell weeks, I can get to grips with. But those - the more devastating cases - sadly, I can not imagine myself (who cries still every time I watch The Notebook) being strong enough to handle.

Blimey, I have LOADS more to learn. -_-
*done blabbing.